The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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