im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i came on her dog
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
