just come out here and I will go home with you...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
