My boss' voice literally gives me gas
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When did angry sex become our thing?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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