She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
