I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
