Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
