I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
