Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize