Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
