Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
