Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
