i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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