ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
