my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
