take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
