Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
