He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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