the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize