Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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