She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
