When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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