He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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