Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
