The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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