My liver just broke up with me...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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