"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
there is glitter all over my balls
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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