tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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