yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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