seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sober January is a disaster.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
