I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
