My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
