I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
