Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
