I wanna bring you to show and tell
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize