Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
