Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
