Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
