i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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