i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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