So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
