that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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