he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
