I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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