how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
