When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
