you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
