yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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