He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
