If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
