so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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