i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
