So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
