you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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