Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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